2002-10-14 - 10:22 p.m.

musik: Tribute to U2

yeah I've been distracted (its not all boy related!) and when I do get a second its either eat, get online or take a nap. of course, the nap wins!

Ah~ where do I start? things are going well. well except school wise. I'm withdrawing from my classes tomorrow. I know it'll piss my parents off, but I think they'd rather I withdrawl than get f's. one would think. I guess I'll find out. I'm just so fed up with school. I really think I just need a break to figure out what I'm doing. you know find out *why* I'm getting this degree. see if its all worth it. cuz right now at this very moment I dont see the point. I see myself struggling and stressing to pass a math class that doesn't even count towards my degree just so I can get into the college level math class and most likely struggle with that too. not forgetting the science classes I'll have to take. I'm just left with crap classes which honestly don't add to my major at all. I will never use it in art. I'm sorry but no. I really will not be using MOST of the things I've learned at Pellissipi...how sad is that?

really what am I thinking of doing with my life? I want to be happy. I want to be a famous artist. I want a family. *laugh* I want my "Weetzie Bat" life. although since most things don't happen like that--> what do I want to do to become a happy/artist/mom? How can I support those things? besides being a studio artist (gotta produce the work to be famous!) the only other job I can picture myself doing or having any interest in is art education. which pays shit! I mean the words art and education are a joke when used together. not to mention all the extra time in school needed.... *Grr* so I'm going to take some time off to figure it all out. my parents can deal or not.

and hopefully I can pick up some more hours at work. I need to start saving my money. instead of spending it. (yeah right!)

so other than school things have been great. work is good. TRU is picking up. it actually felt like we were in the christmas season on sunday. much fun to look forward to... and modeling is surprisingly easy. in fact in two weeks we might have another model to um model. the kewl part is--> I'll still be getting paid for those sessions! ha ha! and I have the option to come in and draw!! so I'd be getting paid to draw! HA HA! I hope that works out.

My life feels almost perfect lately. its strange I haven't felt like this in umm a really long time. like years.

"its amazing what a boy can do"

I dont know how much of it is Caustic's doing. but I know he's made a difference. its like I can breathe. so many things have changed. I can feel the effects of about 10 years slowly dissapearing. and this miracle of a guy actually really likes me! I totally don't get why... I mean I should feel secure about myself. but I dont. I mean me? *ha maybe on another planet... but here? I'm the exact oppposite of attractive. but he seems to think I'm both attractive and beautiful *yeay for me! I hope this doesn't turn out to be a big joke. you know like "ha ha lets fuck with her head just a bit more..."

god I am so tired. I'm trying not to fall asleep right now. I have much more to say. but I think I'm going to call it a night.