2002-10-09 - 12:33 a.m.

musiK: No Doubt- Rock Steady

I've been working on two paintings today. one is jenny's yellow painting. definatly yellow. *ha. and the other one I don't know where its going. I have an idea but getting the idea from my head out onto canvas is different. and then I still have 3 other paintings that are started and have for whatever reason are stuck. waiting for inspiration I guess. (or just preventing failure/dissapointment)

and I have lots on my mind. mostly just feelings, emotions, questions, answers and doubts.

vague? yes. I don't know how much I feel like revealing. most of me feels like singing it at the top of my lungs. while the more logical side is keeping a hand over my mouth. I had a few things to say but at the moment I don't feel like it. then again. maybe I do.

I'm scared of being to forward. too honest. too quick. and yet I feel like I don't really have to say anything. because its totally obvious. or at least *I* think so.

here's how I know how much I like someone. its based on these questions.

1. if they were to dissapear out of my life would I be upset? sad? lets just say emotional.

2. I know its terribly cliched but would I risk my life for them? would I possibly cause injury to myself to prevent them from harm?

3. are they the first/last thing I think of when I wake up/fall asleep?

4. do they get me thinking of the future and out of the past?

5. would I drastically change my life to accomodate theirs.

so that is a bit of my thought process. there is more to it of course. and I don't plan on answering these questions right now. but thats some of whats been in my head.